Solipsism

I've a drunken, heavy head. These words I'm sending like faded paper in glass bottles out to sea. A soundtrack that'll hint at both recollection and discovery, more so even poignant realization. But if there's any of that here, this cheap wine's all too well obscured it. We put truth in pithy little phrases, in stolen lyrics: Everyone's right and no one is sorry / that's the start and the end of this story.

I read your draft, as you might surmise. I wanted to wear it as a coat, veil the threadbare places where my bones so easily show with your own, pass off the whole misshapen collage as me. But, I realized, more so do I want the future, to know the tale's conclusion - yours, mine, all of them - however it is these twisted yarns'll wrap. A small thing I know, though, that a request'll likely doom it so; there are enough weights upon such tired shoulders; you've no need of further expectation; your sentences come labored enough. These words are not such a struggle, so lubricated are my fingers, but I've knowledge enough of the same: downbeats and drumpour and rainshadow dances and none of the phrases I'll throw out'll catch even a smidge. I'm familiar with fishing in stagnant ponds, is what I'm saying.

A hike, it was. Social anxieties I'll understand even as she'll look right through, but I've not the words to make it closer to right, this tongue thicker by sober day; good god, the more I live the better I understand and the less I desire to try at comprehension. Life is hard - and then there's people. Remembering something you told me once as we lay on hard floors and drifted towards sleep and the ceiling, even as I internally paraphrased the exchange: I've not the energy to be alone; I've less the energy to be with other people. I'm tired, is what I'm saying.

And so it is. I'm ignoring those things I haven't the patience to ponder in this quietly weary moment. The fire still trembling these quads and calves (push push push, as this body will 'til gravity'll respond and pull pull pull; to the worms we all sink, but I'll fall faster) - I ignore it as best I know. Likewise, the quick promise I haven't the strength right now to keep. I feign sleep because I haven't the energy not to.

We're all playing at something, though, aren't we? Some of us just may have more practice.